I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
