Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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