apparently the secret to your success is patron
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
