i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
