life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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