you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize