im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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