this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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