OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
