I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
