I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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