I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
