I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
