you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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