he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
