I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
