my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
