drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
