do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
