I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
