i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize