Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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