This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
