Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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