Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We need to get me chipped asap
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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