I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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