True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
