I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They have beer where we have blood.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
