she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
