I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
