Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
