I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
