you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
