Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
