He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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