If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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