What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
