happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
