i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
