So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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