just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
