can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
