so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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