Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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