Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
