thus making me awesome and them whores
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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