He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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