naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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