I don't remember. Are we still dating?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
