Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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