wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
