You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
