farters have to be the big spoon...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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