Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize