So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
