it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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