your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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