in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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