Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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