found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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