Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
