i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
