at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Green mimosas i think yes
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
