There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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