In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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