so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
