So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
