nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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