Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
