Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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