she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
