i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
