He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
