Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
