fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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