My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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