Life is so much better after having sex.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize